I wanna scream it to the world.

Golden hair is becoming white lines. They say it means something like waise. His eyes look at me so deep I think he can even see my soul. Every time his eyes stare into mine he can reads my mind, is like he knew. Is a secret but everyone knows about it, they all just keep it quite. They see us, they know it. I want to scream it so loud to the whole world but I know it'll be just taken as a joke and people will laugh at me like never before. I want to taste the smoke that comes out of your mouth and makes you wanna fly. I want to be more than just the girl you make fun with. I want the others to stop seeing us as a couple because that's never gonna happen, I wasn't made for that and neither did you. He's like the friend I never had and the enemy I love to find. He's the reason why  my birthday was so all about me. And because of that, I am so grateful. He doesn't even know. And still, he knows so much. I can see it in his eyes. I can see it in his smile. I can hear it everytime we say hi to each other. I saw it when he found out I hooked up. Not the jealousy but the seem of sadness, loneliness and disappointment. It was like a look of "I wanted to be in his place" mixed up with "I hope you're happy". But I'm not happy when I know I won't see him anymore. I'm not happy when he's not around. I'm okay with myself, yes. But it is consuming me the fact that I can't speak my mind. I want to taste you, feel you, kiss you. I want to put my arms around you and never let go.

Take the advice.

Last year it wouldn't even had crossed my mind that my life would be like this today.

I've been -almost- at this point only once in my life before, but back then I still had a few people in my life that tried to stop me from being myself. Not this time, not for me. I've decided that this is my moment, my time to be okay with myself. This is my life, so I'm gonna make it count till the very least tiny detail.

No, I don't want to go on a date to eat lemon ice cream with some guy, even when he truly likes me and wants the best for me. No, I won't go to a motel and have sex with a guy who's a player with every female who has an ass and who also has a girl waiting for him, and by girl I mean girlfriend. No, I won't be the party girl who gets drunk as fuck and can't remember what the hell happened the night before. But no, I won't either be the girl that hides anymore.

I wanna explore all my choices because life is so God damn short that I don't care what people think about me anymore. I'm gonna be me, just like that. I want to live all those things that I repressed because of the 'moral' stuff. I wanna fly like the smoke that comes out of your mouth when is really cold outside. I want myself to lose in that evaporation. I wanna flirt with guys cause is fun and I wanna flirt with girls cause I don't know how that feels. I wanna find out if I rather the triple x with an xy or a double x. I wanna stay up all night and go to bed when my legs can't keep still. I wanna get high and laugh with my friends. Yes, I want to laugh. And I want to live. I want to experience the best years of my life without losing the real me.

I'm getting to know myself everyday and when people asks me if I like myself I answer "fuck yeah" and when they laugh at me I also do and when leave me all alone I am not sad, because I finally learned to take care of me and to feel fine when I'm alone. I'm not sorry about anything and I regret nothing, because if it wasn't for my past I wouldn't be here today. Fuck, I'm strong. Damn right I'm proud of myself for getting at this point.

And if you're feeling lost or don't know what to do with your life, don't think so much about it. Just let it be. Don't push it so hard on yourself. Be kind to people and also to your reflection because when you go to bed at the end of the day, it'll be just you and yourself. Learn to forgive others and to you too. I've learned that patience is a powerful key, so use it wisely, don't throw it away. Cuddle yourself. Embrace yourself. Listen to yourself. Find a way to deal with the tough things in your life and change the stuff that can be changed, and learn the difference between both. That's my advice for life. That's how I made it this far. Life is simple and it keeps going, let's make it count.

We are women. We are strong.

"Don't say curse words, is not okay on girls".

" Why do you dress up like a boy? Wear a dress, be more girly".

"You girls are all the same, so hysterical". 

Those are some of the many things I've heard in my short life from different people. To not say curse words cause it doesn't make a girl cute if she says them? It doesn't look anyone good by saying them. But who cares? There are lots of things that don't makes us look good when we do them. To dress up more like a girl and less like a boy? Well hello there, this is my body and I can even wear a bikini top in the middle of winter if I want to. I'm the one wearing it, not you, so not of your business. We girls are all hysterical? Well I think most of the human race is actually very hysterical. We all are at some point of our lives. And if you deal with someone hysterical, just ignore the situation or even better go give her a hug, is just as simple as that. I'm not sorry but I think I've missed the How-to-be-a-girl manual book instructions by the time I was coming out of my mother's vagina. But I'm not here to talk about my clothes or my mother. I'm here to talk about all of us: women.

Rewinding into the past you can sure find how we used to be repressed by not only man, but society as itself. Women from the past centuries actually believed we had to be our man's shadow: if you were a kid, you had to be prepared to study and be pretty so a good gentleman asked for your hand; if you were a grown-up woman, all you had to do was providing kids to your dear husband and keep the house in order; if you were an old woman, all you had to do was staying home and wait for dear husband (if he was still alive) or watch for the grandchildren. But as I read this last words, it reminds me that sometimes I see no change in some parts of the world. There are still woman who don't understand how powerful we could be. I'm not saying power like the one that goes out of control and that stuff. I'm talking about the kind of power we have if we stick together, if we speak up and go get what we want. We are capable of so many things if we stay faithful to our beliefs. I'm a woman who wakes up every day and goes to work. I make my own living, my own money, and I don't go around searching for a guy that buys me the things I need. I don't want to be the kind of wife who stays at home watching the kids and taking care of the cleaning and waits for dear husband with dinner ready at night. I don't judge those women who do that because we are all different and make different choices, but I just don't want to be that kind of woman. I wanna make a change. I wanna keep growing my mind and help those who need help. I want to help myself when I have to because I come first. I want to see a change in the world. I want to see women sticking together. We HAVE GOT to stop fighting with each other for stupid things like boys or popularity or rivalry. Those things have nothing positive as result. We need evolution. And we've got to start by working on ourselves.

Look at the woman at the row supermarket. Look at the woman driving the car next to you. Look at the one getting into the bus you're in. Look at your teacher, your aunt, your sister, your mother. We all have our own problems. We're skinny. We're fat. We're tall. We're short. We're religious. We're not. We're sick. We're healthy. We can make mistakes, we're allowed. We can learn. We can be funny. We can be smart. We can be lonely by self choice. We can be heroes. We're humans. We can be writers. We can be producers. We can be painters. We can be professors. We can be doctors. We can be mothers. We can be anything we want to. We can be just as strong as men can be and anyone who tells you the opposite is lying to you and you should not care about their opinion because you, reading this, you ARE a woman, stronger than you think. Because you've gone through so much in your short life and you're still here. You're still breathing and it doesn't matter what you've put yourself through, it doesn't matter if you've ever self harm or have/had suicidal thoughts, you ARE STRONG, and you are WORTH to someone. You're important to me and that's why i'm tipping this. And you can be anything you wish for. Don't let anyone make you believe you're less, because to me, you mean a lot. I care about you. And it doesn't matter if you believe me, the important thing is that you believe in yourself.

Take a look at famous women who succed: singers, actresses, or even presidents. Look at all we've come until now. If we've got to this point, think about how far we could still reach. Like i said before, we can succed alone or in our own. All we need is power of will. Hating on ourselves will get us nowhere. It'll only make us stay right where we are, or even late us behind. Is that what you want? I don't think so.

Be smart. Be kind. Be true to yourself and the rest.

You might not be where you want to be, but you're not where you used to be at least.

Queen B.

I met a girl this week. She's so beautiful. She's so tall and skinny and annoying tho. She drives me crazy. She makes me tired everytime I spend time with her. She makes me sweat all the time. She makes me feel hot. She makes me feel I have control of myself. She reminds me this is going to work out. She's a pain in the ass. But she's just perfect for me.

She taught me a way to stop starving everyday. Now I can eat anything I want to. Now I can laugh at myself without needing to use a blade. Now I can control my weight. Now I just have to let it all out.

She ain't no princess. She ain't no royalty. She ain't no goddess. I can't tell you her name. All I know is that people call her Queen B.

As in for me, I don't need to call her, ever. She's always right there for me, next to beside me, everytime I look around. She's not living me for a long time, and I'm glad this is our reality. I'm glad she's here with me. Now I don't have to feel so lonely all the time. Now I have a new girlfriend. Now she can make me feel tired and hot and needy everyday. We have each other, isn't that what really matters?

I'm the girl.

Everytime I meet someone new, they tend to judge me because of my age and the way I am. People mostly thinks or says "grow up, act your age" but where's the manual book that says how we should act according to our age? What is the real growing up thing?

A few months ago my mom was talking on the phone with my boyfriend's mom, and my mom said "she might be 23 but inside her she's still a child, trust me" and yes, it's absolutely true. Girls of my age have already started University or know what they want for their future. I don't. I don't even know what I wanna do next week. I usually hate the "how do you see yourself five years from now?" questions. I don't want to think about the future. A few years ago I used to plan almost everything that happened to me. Then something happened, and I've learned that I didn't want that to be my future like. I don't wanna be the girl who has it all planned. I don't wanna be the girl who thinks she knows everything. I wanna explore my choices, cause I still don't know them. I wanna know me a little better everyday. I don't want to believe people will be always there for me, cause they won't. People abandon you just like that. You have someone by your side now, and he could be totally gone by tomorrow.

I've learned that people lie. Everybody lies. Even the ones closer to you. You lie to them too. Lying is part of our communications. There's no truth without lies. Just as there's no happiness without suffering. It would be very very veeeery boring if we were always happy without any goals to reach. Yes, it would be much easier, but we wouldn't know how great it is to feel proud about ourselves. We MUST learn how to crawl before we can actually know how to fly. Once you touch the sky, there's no going back to ground.

I'm not the kind of friend who will tell you what you wanna hear. I'll be mean, very mean. I'll speak up my mind and I don't care if that's what you wanted me to tell you, cause then that wouldn't be the real me. I'm gonna be truth to you, even if that means hurting your feelings. Then I'm sorry, but it'll be for the best.

I'm not the kind of girl you'll see parting every night. I've been there and I don't wanna go back. It gives me nothing good to stay in my life. You won't see me with a different guy every day, I don't want guys coming into my life just for sex. You won't even see me sexting cause I hate that. I always try to avoid it. Don't try it, you'll hurt me. You'll know the reason when the time's right. I'll be a very asexual person if you try it. Yes, call me a freak or a loser. I don't care, cause I'm proud of being who I am. And I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has no respect about my feelings or thoughts. I want someone who stays by my side even when he doesn't understand me. I want someone who's proud to be my life partner. Someone I can dream awake with. Someone that doesn't push me to do things I don't want to and stays true and faithful to me and himself.

I'm not the usual and typical 23 year old girl. I feel I didn't even started living, like really living my life. I've always been repressed by adults. They never let me be my real self. Everytime I tried to be myself they wouldn't let me stay that way. Like if I was doing something wrong with my life.

People think that just because they helped you sometime, they have the right to have an opinion about your life or your decisions. Well here's something you should know: they don't. Only you are the guide to your journey. Cause that's what life is, a journey. And you must start riding it. It doesn't matter if you're alone or in company, just go and do it. Enjoy the life you were given. Every day is a gift given from above, not a given ride. Damn is hard to get out of your mind, God knows I've been there (still there), but if you never leave those memories, when will you? Now's the time.

i'm only me when i'm with you

According with society, today is what everyone calls "Friend's Day" and I'm here, just typing this stuff cause I'm lonely as hell.

Never felt like i had true friends. Of course everyone considerate me their friend but for me, i must say that true friends, as in today, i have only two. I can tell them anything knowing they won't judge me. They support me no matter what and I'm not afraid showing myself to them because they understand me, just as i am.

I'm not saying they're the only two people i talk to, but they're the most loyal I've ever known. I don't care if they're internet friends, or if i actually met them in real life, cause nowadays it doesn't matter anymore. People that knows you face to face can be just as mean as the internet people, they can judge you and laugh about you, or they can even put themselves into your own shoes and get your points of view. You can't judge someone just for seeing them with your own eyes, as you can't say somebody won't be faithful only because you've never met them.

I've learned that you can't know people for real. You'll get to know them little by little, when you less expect it. People will hurt you, surprise you, betray you, break you into a million pieces. People can also put those pieces back together, they can fix you. You can fix yourself if you actually want to.You only need power of will and everything's gonna be okay. You can't trust people. And you also can trust people.

We're gonna be broken a thousand times before we can find the one's worth the effort. We just need time and hope. Hope is the most powerful feeling you can have. Fear's not worth the thing. Sooner or later, those who hurt you will regret it, but guess what? You'll be already strong enough to let them go. You will be free. You will trust again. You'll get your heart broken all over again. But you will heal every fucking time. You'll get stronger and stronger as the time will go by. And nothing can break that power inside of you.

You are worthy. You're the journey. Enjoy yourself.

They're here.

My spirit's broken and my soul is weak.

I'm dead inside but my heart still beats.

Every heartbeat feels like a detonating bomb.

I could explode any minute.

One minute everything's shining and sparkling. You have the best time of your life and nothing or no one can't kill that happiness. You wouldn't nobody mess up with your time. As a matter of fact, you don't. You stand up for yourself. No one ever could break your heart. Only you have the power to look forward. It's a long way, and you planning to enjoy it. Life ain't no destination, but a journey.

But wait, isn't it..? It can't be. I mean, you're so happy and shinning. It just can't. Cause you deserve more. But they're coming. And they will catch you. You now it. And they're already here. The happy times are now over and the darkness is real. You can't escape. Your eyes are so blind that you can't even reach out for your mind, cause it's already taken. They've come from a long way and there's no "give it a break" plan.

They're here.

No one can escape.

Don't get too attached.

Don't come any closer she said.

But he didn't listen.

He wasn't paying attention to what was going to happen if he get too attached.

She had all her weapons ready.

She was always ready.

She'd be a fool if her soul get bloody because of a human like him.

One step.

You don't know what you're getting into.

Two steps.

I just want to take care of you.

Three steps.

I don't need nobody's help, you insolent fool.

Four steps.

Look at yourself. I can help you. I can take away the pain.

Five steps.

I'm warning you. One more step and I'll shoot your head off.

Last step.

Please! I'm begging you!

 BANG

He's dead.

Trying to understand how can someone live like that, with all that pain inside.

She goes around the earth killing innocent people.

Killing their insides cause she's too coward to face the reality.

Now he doesn't know how to go back to life again.

He's stuck in underground. With demons and monsters.

Now he can't get out.

Now he'll start killing innocents too.

Now people will want to help him too.

Others won't.

But those who get too attached will be dead when they least expect it.

Ain't it funny how it all works?

Never trust a good liar.

One lie, one step closer to her.

Another lie, one step away from me.

Enough lies, I'm out.

You know? I've always believed that when you're sad as hell, if you go around screaming it to the whole world, then you're not as sad as you might say, you only want the attention.

Well, same goes with lots of other stuff.

See, the point of loving someone, is wanting the best for that person. When you're in love, you only want that person to be happy, no matter what. You want to share your happiness with him or she cause seeing them happy makes you happy and that makes the other person happy and so it's a perfect cycle and blah everyone's happily ever after. But when you truly love someone, you don't try to separate her/him from the one's he/she also loves. Jealousy only makes everything complicated. As for me, I have to say I'm a deeply jealous person, but I have such power of will that I just shut it.

I shut it all for myself.

I'm jealous of my boyfriend.

I'm jealous of my friends.

I'm jealous of my pet (she has a special love I didn't had when I was little).

I'm jealous of my mom. Yes, also with her. Cause I personally hate when a guy's trynna get in the middle of us but she's so blind she can't see it. And I'm jealous. I am fucking jealous. You don't go around saying something to the other person so that you're still together, you just have to work it out, TOGETHER. That's what relationships are all about. Communication. If you don't have that bond, then you have nothing.

And for me, all i have to say is that someday this whole "let's work it out" thing is gonna drive crazy and i'm hating them everyday a little bit more. I just can't stand it. It's driving me nuts and i'll be gone someday. And they'll miss me, but it'll be way too late. And i'm not even sorry. He should be. She should be.

Okay.

Remember all those nights laughing till fall asleep and dreaming about the future?

Remember how we used to support each other and promised we were gonna enjoy the life we wanted to have?

It's all gone now.

We took separated ways.

You wanted to draw your own path, without me.

So it is. I'll let you be free. I'm sorry for bothering you.

Have a nice life.

♥ I'm in love and always will be ♥

Everyday when i wake up, i look at her and i'm proud of watching that girl being so strong.

She gets outta bed and washes her face. She hates herself. She wants to escape the life she was given. Sometimes she wishes she was dead, she needs another reality but hers. Or maybe she doesn't want to die but needs some things to change for better once and for all. She needs to feel better.

I love her.

She can't see how strong she is.

After all that's ever happened, she's still here with me.

The blood runs thought her veins.

Veins full of hate, pain and suffering.

But the heart is filled with hope and care and love.

She doesn't see that all the past was only to make her a warrior. So she fights a battle everyday and some days she wins, some others she gets lost in the woods all alone, but she never loses. You know why? Cause she's still breathing. And i'm proud of her. And i love her.

Her power is stronger day after day, even when she cries and cuts her own skin and bleeds till fall asleep. That's not weakness. That's her choice to heal the pain inside her mind.

So when she feels she's weak, i don't. I see a smart and lovely and charming girl full of joy and hope who wants to stay young and laugh and to have lots of safe fun. She deserves those smiles. And i love her.

I fall in love with her everyday of my fucking life.

Every time i look at the mirror, i fall deeper and deeper for her.

Her eyes. Her smile. Her hair. Her scars. And i love her.

She hates the mirror, but I love what i see.

Don't come any closer.

It shouldn't be like this. Not this way.

The rain should clean be but I'm dirty and messy as fuck.

I thought that could be the drop that fix me, that kept me safe till I get finally clean. And for months I started getting the dust out of my soul. But as usual, it didn't last that long.

Seventy nine days. That was all that took.

The filthy earth and lock of air suffocated me. They drove me to this. They build all this you're reading right now. All it took was a body with a mind to get twisted that easily.

Bang, just like that.

Cause when you feel he's the water drop to get you ready for the cleaning before the rain comes down, you're fucking wrong. Is your mind playing with yourself and laughing all over your face. Ain't it fun? She thinks it is.

And so you feel you need to get their attention. Get them to think they know you so you feel you have something to live for. You manipulate them, cause that's what we do the best, and they don't even notice it at all. They're fools but they think they're so clever trying to keep you safe.

But... wait... didn't you wanted that?
Didn't you wanted to feel save and to be loved?
You thought you did.
Didn't you needed their attention and care?
You thought you did.
Cause once they show love and care and attention, you dismiss it. You still feel empty.

So you play with the minds of the people that cares about you. You then make them feel just as miserable as you are. Cause if you can't be happy they can't neither. So you push them to the darkness, they don't even notice it. They have no idea. Only the strongest ones stick around. And they're the ones who make you realize nothing that you've been doing makes it better. They show it to you with grace and peace and most important of all: love.

Love heals every time, even if you don't believe me (and my future me while being depressed) I can tell you now. Cause their love makes you believe you can start loving yourself once and for all.

And the best you can do is follow that road. Is the best journey you could travel.

It is worth all the effort.

Screaming. Crying. Perfect storms. Then repeat.

I really hate it when things get repeated and repeated and repeated over and over and over and one more time again and again. It's frustrating.

It hurts. You can feel the pain rushing through your veins. You have no more blood inside your heart and little by little you keep on losing your soul and your faith gets vanished like water turning into smoke.

The days are no longer days cause you don't even know where you're standing anymore. The life is no longer life cause you don't feel alive no more. And the colors are now only black and white cause not even the rainbow you can see by now.

It all hurts. Being alone hurts. Being surrounded by people also hurts cause you don't want them close to you so you wish you were alone but when you're finally all alone you also hate it and nothing seems good enough for yourself. It's sick, isn't it?

Like when you finally find a bunch of people or even one little person who shows you that really cares about you and wants to see you happy and does anything possible to see you laughing and you do: you laugh and you smile and you're happy and you feel like nothing could break that happiness cause you finally feel safe. So you're scared they could abandoned you, cause it always happens. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. And it doesn't matter, but the fear consumes you till you push them away by only yourself doing the job. And so it does: it ends. You're no longer safe. You're no longer happy. You feel you need those people to be okay. And it shouldn't be like that. You need to learn to love yourself cause those people won't be there for you forever. And it's hard. You don't know what to do cause all you want is to be fine, but you don't know the way out of such scary and pathetic room. So it all comes back to the start.

And i hate repetitions. I hate them so badly.