i'm only me when i'm with you

According with society, today is what everyone calls "Friend's Day" and I'm here, just typing this stuff cause I'm lonely as hell.

Never felt like i had true friends. Of course everyone considerate me their friend but for me, i must say that true friends, as in today, i have only two. I can tell them anything knowing they won't judge me. They support me no matter what and I'm not afraid showing myself to them because they understand me, just as i am.

I'm not saying they're the only two people i talk to, but they're the most loyal I've ever known. I don't care if they're internet friends, or if i actually met them in real life, cause nowadays it doesn't matter anymore. People that knows you face to face can be just as mean as the internet people, they can judge you and laugh about you, or they can even put themselves into your own shoes and get your points of view. You can't judge someone just for seeing them with your own eyes, as you can't say somebody won't be faithful only because you've never met them.

I've learned that you can't know people for real. You'll get to know them little by little, when you less expect it. People will hurt you, surprise you, betray you, break you into a million pieces. People can also put those pieces back together, they can fix you. You can fix yourself if you actually want to.You only need power of will and everything's gonna be okay. You can't trust people. And you also can trust people.

We're gonna be broken a thousand times before we can find the one's worth the effort. We just need time and hope. Hope is the most powerful feeling you can have. Fear's not worth the thing. Sooner or later, those who hurt you will regret it, but guess what? You'll be already strong enough to let them go. You will be free. You will trust again. You'll get your heart broken all over again. But you will heal every fucking time. You'll get stronger and stronger as the time will go by. And nothing can break that power inside of you.

You are worthy. You're the journey. Enjoy yourself.

Never trust a good liar.

One lie, one step closer to her.

Another lie, one step away from me.

Enough lies, I'm out.

You know? I've always believed that when you're sad as hell, if you go around screaming it to the whole world, then you're not as sad as you might say, you only want the attention.

Well, same goes with lots of other stuff.

See, the point of loving someone, is wanting the best for that person. When you're in love, you only want that person to be happy, no matter what. You want to share your happiness with him or she cause seeing them happy makes you happy and that makes the other person happy and so it's a perfect cycle and blah everyone's happily ever after. But when you truly love someone, you don't try to separate her/him from the one's he/she also loves. Jealousy only makes everything complicated. As for me, I have to say I'm a deeply jealous person, but I have such power of will that I just shut it.

I shut it all for myself.

I'm jealous of my boyfriend.

I'm jealous of my friends.

I'm jealous of my pet (she has a special love I didn't had when I was little).

I'm jealous of my mom. Yes, also with her. Cause I personally hate when a guy's trynna get in the middle of us but she's so blind she can't see it. And I'm jealous. I am fucking jealous. You don't go around saying something to the other person so that you're still together, you just have to work it out, TOGETHER. That's what relationships are all about. Communication. If you don't have that bond, then you have nothing.

And for me, all i have to say is that someday this whole "let's work it out" thing is gonna drive crazy and i'm hating them everyday a little bit more. I just can't stand it. It's driving me nuts and i'll be gone someday. And they'll miss me, but it'll be way too late. And i'm not even sorry. He should be. She should be.

♥ Nightingale ♥

It's amazing how things change and how can we believe in everything again.

               

More than over a year ago i wasn't even into all this stuff. I didn't even thought this could ever happen. But it did happen, and i couldn't be more grateful.

               

I didn't even knew this guy in person, but still i was into him. I used to imagine myself with him as friends in three dimensional life. Just hanging out and having great times together. We talked almost everyday. I stalked him on twitter. I tried talking about anything with him cause i don't know, i guess a part of me wished for all of this and my intuition felt it could be real outside my head. 

But all that crushed. 

It was all finished before it even started. I felt like an idiot. I even believed a friend back then, but she was nothing but a big misunderstood. And i hate how i started to feel jealous about someone who said didn't care about me, or my friend, or anyone else but that other girl. The difference between me and her, is that i'm a bitch to those who hurt me, but her... she made me feel like a complete loser and waste of time.

And i couldn't forget all that happen. I had a plan. I wanted some kind of revenge. Cause even behind a screen i can make people pay for their shit. And so i started that whole plan. But then i realized she wasn't worth it. She use to talk to me but i was so disgusted by her words that i decided to cut it off. And so there were like five or six months that i tried to forget about all of that. I knew people, I dated people, but somehow it all came back to my mind and i couldn't help it. Why did i kept remembering all of it? I just wanted it to go far far far away.

                

But then i started receiving anonymous messages from someone and i thought this could be him but... come one, why would he wanna talk to you? Don't be stupid and pull yourself back together. And the messages kept coming.

I suddenly thought this is him and so it was.

It was him.

             

He wanted to talk to me again, after over a year. I was feeling so happy, but so mean also, cause none of my friends knew how i felt about him and i used to say bad things about him so they won't notice that i liked him. I was lying to them and myself. But i decided to tell them cause i hate lies and i needed to get it out of my chest, and they understood me, they even supported me and felt happy about me. I couldn't believe it. I was so damn happy.

             

And the 13th came up, and i told him that i knew the anonymous messages came from him, so we started the real talking. And it was beautiful. I felt like all the shit i went thought because of that slut was gone.

And i met him. And we holed hands. And we hugged. And we kissed. And it was all beautiful. And i was really happy. And i felt nothing could break that happiness.

Now we're still holding hands.

Now we still hug.

Now we still kiss.

Now it's all still beautiful.

Now i'm still very happy.

Now i can say i somehow knew all of this could happen.

He's my nightingale.

He's my double rainbow.

He's my teenage dream.

He's my Caleb.

He's my Stiles.

He's my Tate.

He's my Tobias.

He's my Akiva.

He's my Freddie. I'm his Effy.

Now i have someone by my side who, being in a relationship, shows me he really cares and worries about me. And i couldn't be more grateful. He's the every morning message. He's the smiles and the weirdness and the freakishness and the voice that lives inside my soul. I won't let this go away.
Thank you for everything you do for me. I hope i can give it all back at you.
The waiting was worth it.

I adore you ♥