They're here.

My spirit's broken and my soul is weak.

I'm dead inside but my heart still beats.

Every heartbeat feels like a detonating bomb.

I could explode any minute.

One minute everything's shining and sparkling. You have the best time of your life and nothing or no one can't kill that happiness. You wouldn't nobody mess up with your time. As a matter of fact, you don't. You stand up for yourself. No one ever could break your heart. Only you have the power to look forward. It's a long way, and you planning to enjoy it. Life ain't no destination, but a journey.

But wait, isn't it..? It can't be. I mean, you're so happy and shinning. It just can't. Cause you deserve more. But they're coming. And they will catch you. You now it. And they're already here. The happy times are now over and the darkness is real. You can't escape. Your eyes are so blind that you can't even reach out for your mind, cause it's already taken. They've come from a long way and there's no "give it a break" plan.

They're here.

No one can escape.

♥ I'm in love and always will be ♥

Everyday when i wake up, i look at her and i'm proud of watching that girl being so strong.

She gets outta bed and washes her face. She hates herself. She wants to escape the life she was given. Sometimes she wishes she was dead, she needs another reality but hers. Or maybe she doesn't want to die but needs some things to change for better once and for all. She needs to feel better.

I love her.

She can't see how strong she is.

After all that's ever happened, she's still here with me.

The blood runs thought her veins.

Veins full of hate, pain and suffering.

But the heart is filled with hope and care and love.

She doesn't see that all the past was only to make her a warrior. So she fights a battle everyday and some days she wins, some others she gets lost in the woods all alone, but she never loses. You know why? Cause she's still breathing. And i'm proud of her. And i love her.

Her power is stronger day after day, even when she cries and cuts her own skin and bleeds till fall asleep. That's not weakness. That's her choice to heal the pain inside her mind.

So when she feels she's weak, i don't. I see a smart and lovely and charming girl full of joy and hope who wants to stay young and laugh and to have lots of safe fun. She deserves those smiles. And i love her.

I fall in love with her everyday of my fucking life.

Every time i look at the mirror, i fall deeper and deeper for her.

Her eyes. Her smile. Her hair. Her scars. And i love her.

She hates the mirror, but I love what i see.

Don't come any closer.

It shouldn't be like this. Not this way.

The rain should clean be but I'm dirty and messy as fuck.

I thought that could be the drop that fix me, that kept me safe till I get finally clean. And for months I started getting the dust out of my soul. But as usual, it didn't last that long.

Seventy nine days. That was all that took.

The filthy earth and lock of air suffocated me. They drove me to this. They build all this you're reading right now. All it took was a body with a mind to get twisted that easily.

Bang, just like that.

Cause when you feel he's the water drop to get you ready for the cleaning before the rain comes down, you're fucking wrong. Is your mind playing with yourself and laughing all over your face. Ain't it fun? She thinks it is.

And so you feel you need to get their attention. Get them to think they know you so you feel you have something to live for. You manipulate them, cause that's what we do the best, and they don't even notice it at all. They're fools but they think they're so clever trying to keep you safe.

But... wait... didn't you wanted that?
Didn't you wanted to feel save and to be loved?
You thought you did.
Didn't you needed their attention and care?
You thought you did.
Cause once they show love and care and attention, you dismiss it. You still feel empty.

So you play with the minds of the people that cares about you. You then make them feel just as miserable as you are. Cause if you can't be happy they can't neither. So you push them to the darkness, they don't even notice it. They have no idea. Only the strongest ones stick around. And they're the ones who make you realize nothing that you've been doing makes it better. They show it to you with grace and peace and most important of all: love.

Love heals every time, even if you don't believe me (and my future me while being depressed) I can tell you now. Cause their love makes you believe you can start loving yourself once and for all.

And the best you can do is follow that road. Is the best journey you could travel.

It is worth all the effort.

Screaming. Crying. Perfect storms. Then repeat.

I really hate it when things get repeated and repeated and repeated over and over and over and one more time again and again. It's frustrating.

It hurts. You can feel the pain rushing through your veins. You have no more blood inside your heart and little by little you keep on losing your soul and your faith gets vanished like water turning into smoke.

The days are no longer days cause you don't even know where you're standing anymore. The life is no longer life cause you don't feel alive no more. And the colors are now only black and white cause not even the rainbow you can see by now.

It all hurts. Being alone hurts. Being surrounded by people also hurts cause you don't want them close to you so you wish you were alone but when you're finally all alone you also hate it and nothing seems good enough for yourself. It's sick, isn't it?

Like when you finally find a bunch of people or even one little person who shows you that really cares about you and wants to see you happy and does anything possible to see you laughing and you do: you laugh and you smile and you're happy and you feel like nothing could break that happiness cause you finally feel safe. So you're scared they could abandoned you, cause it always happens. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. And it doesn't matter, but the fear consumes you till you push them away by only yourself doing the job. And so it does: it ends. You're no longer safe. You're no longer happy. You feel you need those people to be okay. And it shouldn't be like that. You need to learn to love yourself cause those people won't be there for you forever. And it's hard. You don't know what to do cause all you want is to be fine, but you don't know the way out of such scary and pathetic room. So it all comes back to the start.

And i hate repetitions. I hate them so badly.

Kill 'em all. Then kill yourself.

I'm sure many of us are the product of our parents' catharsis.

It's disgusting, Isn't it?

The fact that they gave you the life you're living. And they make you feel like shit almost every day. Saying all those awful things. Hurting your emotions. Not knowing how our minds can get disturbed by just one little detail.

Getting depressed, having anxiety or eating disorders to get their attention, just a little bit worry about you. Or maybe not, maybe is just the depression or any other mental illness cause their words make you hate yourself already enough.

Self harming your own body inside and outside cause it doesn't feel worth enough anymore.

You wish you were death. Or even worst: you wish you weren't even born.

Cause the world's a piece of shit with shitty people and they're full of shit and shit's all over your life.

Should i burn them all?

Or should i just kill myself? 

♥ Nightingale ♥

It's amazing how things change and how can we believe in everything again.

               

More than over a year ago i wasn't even into all this stuff. I didn't even thought this could ever happen. But it did happen, and i couldn't be more grateful.

               

I didn't even knew this guy in person, but still i was into him. I used to imagine myself with him as friends in three dimensional life. Just hanging out and having great times together. We talked almost everyday. I stalked him on twitter. I tried talking about anything with him cause i don't know, i guess a part of me wished for all of this and my intuition felt it could be real outside my head. 

But all that crushed. 

It was all finished before it even started. I felt like an idiot. I even believed a friend back then, but she was nothing but a big misunderstood. And i hate how i started to feel jealous about someone who said didn't care about me, or my friend, or anyone else but that other girl. The difference between me and her, is that i'm a bitch to those who hurt me, but her... she made me feel like a complete loser and waste of time.

And i couldn't forget all that happen. I had a plan. I wanted some kind of revenge. Cause even behind a screen i can make people pay for their shit. And so i started that whole plan. But then i realized she wasn't worth it. She use to talk to me but i was so disgusted by her words that i decided to cut it off. And so there were like five or six months that i tried to forget about all of that. I knew people, I dated people, but somehow it all came back to my mind and i couldn't help it. Why did i kept remembering all of it? I just wanted it to go far far far away.

                

But then i started receiving anonymous messages from someone and i thought this could be him but... come one, why would he wanna talk to you? Don't be stupid and pull yourself back together. And the messages kept coming.

I suddenly thought this is him and so it was.

It was him.

             

He wanted to talk to me again, after over a year. I was feeling so happy, but so mean also, cause none of my friends knew how i felt about him and i used to say bad things about him so they won't notice that i liked him. I was lying to them and myself. But i decided to tell them cause i hate lies and i needed to get it out of my chest, and they understood me, they even supported me and felt happy about me. I couldn't believe it. I was so damn happy.

             

And the 13th came up, and i told him that i knew the anonymous messages came from him, so we started the real talking. And it was beautiful. I felt like all the shit i went thought because of that slut was gone.

And i met him. And we holed hands. And we hugged. And we kissed. And it was all beautiful. And i was really happy. And i felt nothing could break that happiness.

Now we're still holding hands.

Now we still hug.

Now we still kiss.

Now it's all still beautiful.

Now i'm still very happy.

Now i can say i somehow knew all of this could happen.

He's my nightingale.

He's my double rainbow.

He's my teenage dream.

He's my Caleb.

He's my Stiles.

He's my Tate.

He's my Tobias.

He's my Akiva.

He's my Freddie. I'm his Effy.

Now i have someone by my side who, being in a relationship, shows me he really cares and worries about me. And i couldn't be more grateful. He's the every morning message. He's the smiles and the weirdness and the freakishness and the voice that lives inside my soul. I won't let this go away.
Thank you for everything you do for me. I hope i can give it all back at you.
The waiting was worth it.

I adore you ♥