Don't come any closer.

It shouldn't be like this. Not this way.

The rain should clean be but I'm dirty and messy as fuck.

I thought that could be the drop that fix me, that kept me safe till I get finally clean. And for months I started getting the dust out of my soul. But as usual, it didn't last that long.

Seventy nine days. That was all that took.

The filthy earth and lock of air suffocated me. They drove me to this. They build all this you're reading right now. All it took was a body with a mind to get twisted that easily.

Bang, just like that.

Cause when you feel he's the water drop to get you ready for the cleaning before the rain comes down, you're fucking wrong. Is your mind playing with yourself and laughing all over your face. Ain't it fun? She thinks it is.

And so you feel you need to get their attention. Get them to think they know you so you feel you have something to live for. You manipulate them, cause that's what we do the best, and they don't even notice it at all. They're fools but they think they're so clever trying to keep you safe.

But... wait... didn't you wanted that?
Didn't you wanted to feel save and to be loved?
You thought you did.
Didn't you needed their attention and care?
You thought you did.
Cause once they show love and care and attention, you dismiss it. You still feel empty.

So you play with the minds of the people that cares about you. You then make them feel just as miserable as you are. Cause if you can't be happy they can't neither. So you push them to the darkness, they don't even notice it. They have no idea. Only the strongest ones stick around. And they're the ones who make you realize nothing that you've been doing makes it better. They show it to you with grace and peace and most important of all: love.

Love heals every time, even if you don't believe me (and my future me while being depressed) I can tell you now. Cause their love makes you believe you can start loving yourself once and for all.

And the best you can do is follow that road. Is the best journey you could travel.

It is worth all the effort.

♥ Nightingale ♥

It's amazing how things change and how can we believe in everything again.

               

More than over a year ago i wasn't even into all this stuff. I didn't even thought this could ever happen. But it did happen, and i couldn't be more grateful.

               

I didn't even knew this guy in person, but still i was into him. I used to imagine myself with him as friends in three dimensional life. Just hanging out and having great times together. We talked almost everyday. I stalked him on twitter. I tried talking about anything with him cause i don't know, i guess a part of me wished for all of this and my intuition felt it could be real outside my head. 

But all that crushed. 

It was all finished before it even started. I felt like an idiot. I even believed a friend back then, but she was nothing but a big misunderstood. And i hate how i started to feel jealous about someone who said didn't care about me, or my friend, or anyone else but that other girl. The difference between me and her, is that i'm a bitch to those who hurt me, but her... she made me feel like a complete loser and waste of time.

And i couldn't forget all that happen. I had a plan. I wanted some kind of revenge. Cause even behind a screen i can make people pay for their shit. And so i started that whole plan. But then i realized she wasn't worth it. She use to talk to me but i was so disgusted by her words that i decided to cut it off. And so there were like five or six months that i tried to forget about all of that. I knew people, I dated people, but somehow it all came back to my mind and i couldn't help it. Why did i kept remembering all of it? I just wanted it to go far far far away.

                

But then i started receiving anonymous messages from someone and i thought this could be him but... come one, why would he wanna talk to you? Don't be stupid and pull yourself back together. And the messages kept coming.

I suddenly thought this is him and so it was.

It was him.

             

He wanted to talk to me again, after over a year. I was feeling so happy, but so mean also, cause none of my friends knew how i felt about him and i used to say bad things about him so they won't notice that i liked him. I was lying to them and myself. But i decided to tell them cause i hate lies and i needed to get it out of my chest, and they understood me, they even supported me and felt happy about me. I couldn't believe it. I was so damn happy.

             

And the 13th came up, and i told him that i knew the anonymous messages came from him, so we started the real talking. And it was beautiful. I felt like all the shit i went thought because of that slut was gone.

And i met him. And we holed hands. And we hugged. And we kissed. And it was all beautiful. And i was really happy. And i felt nothing could break that happiness.

Now we're still holding hands.

Now we still hug.

Now we still kiss.

Now it's all still beautiful.

Now i'm still very happy.

Now i can say i somehow knew all of this could happen.

He's my nightingale.

He's my double rainbow.

He's my teenage dream.

He's my Caleb.

He's my Stiles.

He's my Tate.

He's my Tobias.

He's my Akiva.

He's my Freddie. I'm his Effy.

Now i have someone by my side who, being in a relationship, shows me he really cares and worries about me. And i couldn't be more grateful. He's the every morning message. He's the smiles and the weirdness and the freakishness and the voice that lives inside my soul. I won't let this go away.
Thank you for everything you do for me. I hope i can give it all back at you.
The waiting was worth it.

I adore you ♥

Voices. Stigma. Love.

What are those voices inside our heads saying we're not worth the risk?

                                                                    Who are they?

Why does that shit happen all the time?

I know i'm worth the life i was given, but I usually forget about that. A lot. 

And then i go back to remember it all again. It's a freaking cycle. I want it to go away, for good. 

What if it never stops? What if one time i completely forget about everything I've learn in therapy and i just lose control? I can't stop thinking about that right now. And i actually hate the "what if..." questions.

Sometimes i just wanna kill everyone around me and be alone with myself and the voices that surround me. Or at least i wanna be in peace and people usually bugs me.

I'm really bitchy some other times and is actually a shield for the pain. But then i remember about all those people who bullied me so many years and i don't wanna be like them, so i stop. But is late, cause i shouldn't even be a bitch or call myself like that.

And it's funny cause what i need the most is love, but when it comes to me, i suddenly reject it and cuddle myself cause i feel like nobody would last next to me and they will abandon me, like always. 

So what is this? 

Why do I feel like backwards?